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Well... The title says it all really...
Over the past two weeks, and the past day in particular, I have realised some very sobering things about myself, and made some very hard decisions.
This will either be a rather long or pretty short blog... so make your decision now... read it all or don't read it at all.
I love what I do with film, not the entire process but once I get into a project, I find it very hard to stop until it's finished. I get a drive to do it, a burning passion and desire. I can do it even when I'm ill, even when I can do nothing else. That thrill is what I was experiencing all of last week. I was committed to finishing the film which I should have made 6 months ago. I only really realised this now, that when I really focus, I can do it, I become absorbed in my task.
I've been off school for a straight 6 months now and I won't be going back until after my exams in April... I've finally managed to put aside all of the things that, well, as several people have described it, "would have made lesser people fall apart" and apparently this shows that I'm "Very Resistant" and have a "Strong Character". Personally i've never thought of myself like that. I always thought of myself and being normal... well different, but as different as everyone else is. I still don't see that I'm strong charactered or resistant, because if I were, surely those things wouldn't hurt so much; and believe me they hurt a lot, I've just never liked showing my hurt to other people, ever... But people, respectable people, adults, teenagers, professionals, teachers, acquaintances... they all say the same thing.
The reason I'm not going back to school until after my exams is because in the last two weeks I've managed to completely put aside the hurt, anger and all the other feelings I have for the injustices done to me in the last 8 or 9 months, and for the first time in a year, I feel better, I'm actually able to concentrate on things now, I can work and live life, and I don't know how I would react to going back to school as now it's a trigger for two separate incredibly damaging things in my life. It could ruin my health completely and send me back to 2 years ago... not a good time... I haven't been able to completely block it all off, it's still all there, I just don't notice it or can't feel it most of the time now. Still, there are some small triggers, for instance seeing them talking to someone on Facebook as though they haven't just attempted to destroy my life (this may sound dramatic, but if you have been told what they have done, you'll know that it could really destroy the rest of my life completely), suddenly brings forth all the feelings for a few minutes.. but it goes eventually....
With this clarity I can see how terrible I have been with my work, my revision and my general learning for the past few years... It doesn't help that the school have barely helped me at all despite my continuous bouts of absenteeism for years, but even with the tutoring I've been having for the past 2-3 months, I haven't been using it properly. I've been coasting, which would be fine if I was in school. I'm smart and intelligent enough to be able to coast for most of standard grade and then study like hell a few weeks before the exam and still get a decent grade, but with self study and home tuition in general, I simply can't do that. I have to work harder and study harder than most people in school because I'm getting about 7-8 hrs of tutoring a week whilst most people get 5-6hrs a day in school. OK If I had been studying properly and doing work without my tutors like I should be (not just the homework they set) then it probably would be amazing and I'd be able to ace my exams, but I have never been of that mindset. Never. It's just never been the way I work, there's always been someone to pick up the slack or help me along and made sure I don't fail, but now there isn't.
It has finally dawned on me,
that No-One will help me here.
I've always known this on some level, but never believed it. I have been kidding myself and tricking myself into believing that I'm doing fine, that I don't need to study etc... Through all the many, many arguments that I have had with my Parents over the years (I'm sure I've aged them at least 5 or 10 years in the past 2 with all the stress, worry and anguish I've caused them), I have been fooling myself that I'll change, that I'll do better; not on a conscious level, but still...
The most annoying thing is that It's taken me this long to realise it.
I wish I could just worry about what most people worry about, well, I do worry about those things aswell but it would be nice to just be concerned with them. For instance, I love two people, both of which it can't work with. I also like two other people but it can't work with them either for various reasons. In the end, after a frank discussing with a close friend, I've decided to not seek any relationships for a long while and just let what happens happen. But this is just a trivial part of my problems.
I have decided to work my arse off for my education. On a side note I believe that I will train as an Anaesthesiologist then go back to Film-Making.
Today I Vowed to Change. Today I Became a Better Person.
Much Love
Oliver V. Smith
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